Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Math Question: Can You Solve It?
A Backhoe weighing 8 tons is on top of a flatbed trailer and heading east on Interstate 70 near Hays, Kansas.
The extended shovel arm is made of hardened refined steel and the approaching overpass is made of commercial-grade concrete, reinforced with 1 1/2 inch steel rebar spaced at 6 inch intervals in a criss-cross pattern layered at 1 foot vertical spacing.
Solve: When the shovel arm hits the overpass, how fast do you have to be going to slice the bridge in half?? (Assume no effect for headwind and no braking by the driver...)
Extra Credit: Solve for the time and distance
required for the entire rig to come to a complete stop after hitting the overpass at the speed calculated above?
Yes, you can neglect friction.
The extended shovel arm is made of hardened refined steel and the approaching overpass is made of commercial-grade concrete, reinforced with 1 1/2 inch steel rebar spaced at 6 inch intervals in a criss-cross pattern layered at 1 foot vertical spacing.
Solve: When the shovel arm hits the overpass, how fast do you have to be going to slice the bridge in half?? (Assume no effect for headwind and no braking by the driver...)
Extra Credit: Solve for the time and distance
required for the entire rig to come to a complete stop after hitting the overpass at the speed calculated above?
Yes, you can neglect friction.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
To All Pet Owners
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this eno ugh!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it)
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don ‘t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a ‘gazillion’ dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this eno ugh!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it)
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don ‘t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a ‘gazillion’ dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Damn women – they think of everything!!!!
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.”
Damn women – they think of everything!!!!
The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.”
Damn women – they think of everything!!!!
I Think You’re the Father of One of My Kids
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says, “Hello!”
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
Happy Fool’s Day
The Night of April 1st
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him, “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” and ran off . And that’s when I shot him ………… the little bastard.
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him, “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” and ran off . And that’s when I shot him ………… the little bastard.
Underwear Is Important!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle…From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Another Walmart Adventure
Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.
I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore.
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.
I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore.
The Hormone Guide
Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!
Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
| DANGEROUS | SAFER | SAFEST | ULTRA SAFE |
| What's for dinner? | Can I help you with dinner? | Where would you like to go for dinner? | Here, have some wine. |
| Are you wearing that? | You sure look good in brown! | WOW! Look at you! | Here, have some wine. |
| What are you so worked up about? | Could we be overreacting? | Here's my paycheck. | Here, have some wine. |
| Should you be eating that? | You know, there are a lot of apples left. | Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? | Here, have some wine. |
| What did you DO all day? | I hope you didn't over-do it today. | I've always loved you in that robe! | Here, have some wine. |
Bob and the Blonde
Bob, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump..
The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money…
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump..
The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money…
Women's Ass Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:
- Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
- 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
- The remaining 85% say they don’t care; they love him; he’s a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Nightmare
In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I’m circumcised!
Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver’s license photo and it was that same color. Black.
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.
But it’s a wheelchair!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I’m also disabled!
I said to myself, aloud, ‘This is impossible. It’s impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.’
‘It’s the pure and holy truth’, whispers someone from behind me.
I turn around, and it’s my boyfriend, Manuel.
Just what I needed!
I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend.
Oh, my God….. black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and… Oh, noooooo…I’m bald!
The telephone rings. It’s my brother. He is saying, ‘Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap… Any job.’
Mom?… Dad?… Nooooooooo… Now I’m also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan.
But he doesn’t get it.
Frustrated, I hang up.
It’s then I realize I only have one hand!
With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out.
I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker…. Pacemaker?
Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, ‘Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heart throb, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to see Obama?”
Say it isn’t so!
I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God….
Please don’t tell me I’m a Democrat …
Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver’s license photo and it was that same color. Black.
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.
But it’s a wheelchair!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I’m also disabled!
I said to myself, aloud, ‘This is impossible. It’s impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.’
‘It’s the pure and holy truth’, whispers someone from behind me.
I turn around, and it’s my boyfriend, Manuel.
Just what I needed!
I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend.
Oh, my God….. black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and… Oh, noooooo…I’m bald!
The telephone rings. It’s my brother. He is saying, ‘Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap… Any job.’
Mom?… Dad?… Nooooooooo… Now I’m also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan.
But he doesn’t get it.
Frustrated, I hang up.
It’s then I realize I only have one hand!
With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out.
I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker…. Pacemaker?
Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, ‘Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heart throb, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to see Obama?”
Say it isn’t so!
I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God….
Please don’t tell me I’m a Democrat …
Summer’s Almost Here
Summer’s almost here ….we can now see the deer moving around.
Yep, won’t be long.
Three Men And A Genie
Three men – a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Marine are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern, which of course they pick up and rub…and a Genie pops out of it.
“I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total,” says the Genie.
The Canadian says, “I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.”
POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan , Pakistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, American’s or Canadians can come in our precious land.”
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Marine says, “I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds those countries. Nothing can get in or out; it’s virtually impenetrable.”
The Marine sits down, pops open a beer, smiles, and says, “Fill it with water.”
“I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total,” says the Genie.
The Canadian says, “I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.”
POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan , Pakistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, American’s or Canadians can come in our precious land.”
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Marine says, “I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds those countries. Nothing can get in or out; it’s virtually impenetrable.”
The Marine sits down, pops open a beer, smiles, and says, “Fill it with water.”
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